Friday, April 17, 2009


It was gorgeous here today. Sunny, warm, and just plain wonderful. Noah, Micah, Grandma Flick, and I all played outside. It was a great help in raising my mood. Praise the Lord for beautiful weather.

I heard from the hospital and Micah has his Chest MRI on Thursday at 2:30pm. I am not looking forward to this as he will have to be sedated again which most likely means he will not be able to eat for 8 hours before the tell me how I am supposed to deal with a hungry baby all day long. I am stressed out about it already and feel horrible knowing that I won't be able to feed my 5 month old who doesn't understand any of what is going on and why he can't eat or why he keeps getting poked at and messed with. He is such an amazing little guy, a fighter and is coming through all of this very very well but it still kills me to see him in pain when they run test, to see him crying and not be able to comfort him. I love my little guys so much and I feel like I am living in a nightmare right now. I just keep praying that he doesn't have "neuroblastoma". I keep praying and hoping that the mass in or on his lung (still unsure which one it is...who do i believe?) will be benign, or that when we go get his MRI on Thursday they will not find it. I keep praying that it will disappear on it's own and that Micah won't have to have major surgery to remove it. I want someone to tell me that they are 100% certain that Micah is going to be okay. I never thought I would ever have to take a child of mine to the hospital to see an oncologist. Cancer is what happens to other people, not to us, not to Micah. But it looks like it is happening to us, to Micah. I am continuing to try to hold on hope that that isn't what this is, but it's hard as all of the dr's that have seen him so far are saying yes to neuroblastoma or NB for short.

I really just want things to go back to "normal", to the life we had before Micah got sick with RSV. I know it's a blessing that this has been found so early but it still really blows.

I am tired
I am sad
I am confused
I am worn out
I am in crisis mode
I am running on God's grace and comfort
I am thankful for family and friends
I am ready for good news

Psalm 60:12

"With God we will gain the Victory."

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