Micah was supposed to have his bone scan and bone marrow aspiration done today. Neither happened. For two hours the nurses and dr's tried to get an IV started in him so that they could give him the contrast for the scan, after 8 attempts of getting the IV in and then the vein blowing they gave up for the day. THANK GOODNESS!!! It was absolutely horrible sitting there watching them poke him time and time again while he was SCREAMING!
As a mom I just want to protect my kids from pain and injury. I would do anything to keep them from getting hurt. So what am I supposed to do when he has to have an IV in order to see if he has cancer anywhere else in his small body but the only way to get an IV in is to hurt him. Micah looks to me as a source of comfort and I was unable to comfort him. He looks at me to protect him and I allowed these people to hurt him time and time again. I feel like i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. In order to make sure he stays healthy and okay I have to allow them to hurt him. This is the part of being a parent that sucks.
I've had allot of friends tell me that I am so "strong". But really i don't feel it. I have to pull myself away from my emotions in order to be there for Micah. I have to be calm when all i want to do is scream. I don't know that I would call this being strong, i think i might call it more, being numb. All the while that they were poking Micah I wanted to scream and just pick him up and run away with him. But...I had to make the decision to appear heartless and try to "calm" him while they were hurting him. Maybe some people wouldn't look at this as being "heartless" but to me that is what it feels like. I feel as though I shouldn't allow others to hurt him, but to make sure he is okay they have to cause him pain. Sorry if this is so jumbled but I am so conflicted and confused right now. I just want this all to be over. I just want to have the dr's and nurses poke me and run the test on me instead of Micah.
As I sit here I feel my heart breaking, and aching. Today wore me down. I've stayed "strong" for so long, and plowed through this horrible nightmare, and today I feel beaten.
I;ll try to post more later, Micah is waking up and I need to go comfort him because at least I can do that now.